According to the Insurance Bureau of Canada, the level of car thefts across the country is at a “national crisis” level. Maybe not in the way that housing and the state of healthcare are at actual national crisis levels, but still, pretty crisisy.
More specifically, public safety minister Dominic LeBlanc said it is a “complex problem that may require advanced technology to properly examine what is inside shipping containers at international ports”, where stolen Canadians’ cars often end up en route overseas. I’m no expert, but first, don’t these shipping containers already have doors on them so you can open them up and see what’s inside? Secondly, shouldn’t the solution be a little earlier in the process than after your car has already been stolen and is about to go on an overseas adventure?
Anyway, a summit took place last week in Ottawa which included federal officials, municipal mayors and insurance industry leaders from across Canada. At the end of that summit, $28 million in funding was promised to the Canada Border Services Agency to fight the problem. Which is a very non-solution type solution (unless you work at the Canada Border Services Agency I guess. Then you’re looking at a pretty nice holiday party this year!). Also, I would gladly check each shipping container personally for only $27 million. Just putting that out there.
Look, I know that car theft in Canada is a real problem and needs a real solution. And I don’t know what that solution really is. But here’s my 3-step program for how I have avoided having our family car being stolen for quite a while now, which I will share with you now, for FREE.
1. Drive a Ford Edge.
No one, and I mean NO one wants to steal a Ford Edge. That’s why we drive one (that and the fact that my older brother worked at Ford for a long time, so we get a very nice family discount) There are a lot of Ford Edges out there, seemingly ripe for the taking. But thieves seem to not take them. Possibly because it’s aerodynamic “design” is somewhere between a slightly crumpled cardboard box and a melting igloo. Or perhaps because it’s performance promise is listed as “goes from zero to sixty…eventually”. In any case, we could leave our Ford Edge in the middle of the street, with the engine running and a sign that said “free to take” and no self-respecting car thief would show any interest. Which is maybe what the “Edge” over other cars actually refers to.
2. A backseat full of children’s discardments.
On the off chance that a potential car thief may approach our Ford Edge, left running in the middle of the street in the hopes someone will steal it, they would take one look inside and run away screaming. That’s because we have 2 young children who use the backseat of our car as their own personal garbage disposal. In addition to food wrappers, discarded mittens, hats, socks and approximately 1.3 billion goldfish cracker crumbs, our backseat also features a car seat that makes the rest of the backseat look like a cover shot for Good Housekeeping. It’s a throne for our 4 year old that seems to announce “Warning: the main occupant of this seat has used it as a chair-shaped nuclear disposal unit for a couple years now. If you’re looking at it from within 10 feet, you’re probably already infected.”
3. Evidence of dog.
There’s only one regular occupant of our Ford Edge that makes our car more theftproof than our children: our dog Ferris. Ferris LOVES car rides. Sometimes in the back between our daughters (he doesn’t mind sleeping in Goldfish crackers and other disgusting discardments) and sometimes, in the front seat where he leaves paw marks, slobbery trails and probably worse stuff when he actually sits down. Ferris is technically “hypo-allergenic” meaning he doesn’t have fur so won’t cause anyone with pet allergies to have a reaction. Still, if you saw where our dog regularly sits in our car, allergies or not, your reaction would be to stay away.
So, to all those trying to protect themselves against the rising epidemic of auto theft currently facing Canadians, it’s quite simple really: Drive a Ford Edge. Have stuff-shedding children regularly ride in the back seat, and allow your free-range dog to have free reign throughout the car (he’s actually not a bad driver with the cruise control on) .
Hope this helps.
