Dear Ryans,
I’m not sure how much either of you keep up with news back here in your birth country, but our Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (you guys probably just know him as “Justin”) just announced that he is stepping down from his post, prorogued (a fancy word for “stopped”) our parliament and announced that we will be having a “robust” election soon for our next Prime Minister. So I’m writing to ask you two robust fellows if you wouldn’t mind serving as interim co-Prime-Ministers for a bit (maybe the next four years?).
Mr. Reynolds, we could really use your trademark wit, your international business acumen, and your Deadpool immortality to woo, outsmart and let’s be honest, outlive our various foes including, unfortunately, the incoming leader of the country that has been the genesis for much of your success. He (whose name I shall not mention) keeps mentioning that Canada should be the “51st state”. I say, we make America our 11th province.
Mr. Gosling, you’ve proven yourself a loyal supporter of women (after a brief foray there into some dark “Kenergy”) an advocate of space travel (in a good way) and, in politics, in your “Ides of March” role. Maybe most importantly though, you’ve proven you can more than hold your own as a song and dance man on multiple occasions. And boy, could Canada use some fancy footwork right now.
We need strong Canadian personalities who speak the one language that Americans truly understand: fictional movies. Men who can show that not all Canadian men are like Jordan Peterson or Kevin O’Leary. Some of them are open to ideas like feminism, charitable fundraising, and not being complete asshats whenever they speak.
In all honesty Ryans, what Canada really needs right now is proof that even those who are living the “American Dream” have never lost their Canadian roots. They are still, at their core, good people who believe in helping others, inspiring each other and yes, having rugged good looks owing to fresh air, fresh water, and a need to keep each other warm.
So what do you say Ryans? Can you speak to the American leader whose name I still shall not mention, dressed as Deadpool and Ken if possible, and convince him that Canada is happy to be a friendly neighbour while simultaneously warning him not to fuck with us?
Then come home for a bit. Bring your families. There’s plenty of room at 24 Sussex. Mostly because it’s been deemed unsafe and no one has lived in it for quite a while now. But if you two agree to come up, I’m sure that Bryan (which is sooo close to being another “Ryan” ) Beaumler can fix it up in no time. Plus we’ll get a great reality show to boot. Which is 98% of the current Canadian entertainment industry.
So what do you say Ryans? Come home. Be our interim co-Prime Ministers for a bit. Save your homeland. Make it a reality show. And a musical if you must. I’m not asking you to come back forever. Just the next four years or so. Help give rebirth to the progressive country that birthed you. While simultaneously maintaining good faith with the mostly good, but also largely terrifying country in our basement.
Respectfully,
Steve Patterson
And a bunch of other Canadians probably.
